the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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