you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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