please come you make the beer taste better
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
