Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
