literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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