I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
