i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
