Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
