hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize