I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
