He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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