There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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