its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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