I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
