I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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