8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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