Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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