Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
