don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
