I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
