i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
