God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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