And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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