Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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