im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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