i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
