Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize