i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
