Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize