Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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