I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
