i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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