And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
