I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
