I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
