I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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