I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
