i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dick very happy bro
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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