You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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