I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
