sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
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