Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
