my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
