Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
