we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
