You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
