WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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