My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
