So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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