How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
