I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
