I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
