The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
