How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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