omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
50% drunk capacity currently
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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