if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will die if light touches me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
