I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just found puke in my bra..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
